your eyes are slow wine

i feel fully controlling of you

and yet, somehow fully controlled by you

a long discussion…painful and emotional.

the frustrations of life bearing down on our minds

and souls, unsure of our place

and at this time the physical reassurance of

each other presence seems trite…insignificant

in the face of the oppressing odds

but when you speak kindly to me

and press my hand to yours

when you squeeze my side and

bury your face in my chest

i feel as:

-a child swinging by the hands of his mother and father

-a thief on a moonless night

-a book lost in the deepest shelf

-a bird perched on a limb

-an umbrella in the rain

i feel…

i look out into her world, and i see pain caused from (an) argument(s) with her sister and now with me and i’m praying to You Lord that she can lean on You. not that she can, but that she actually will. Lord please sustain her soul in this time of trial as she trusts You to lead her decision. she must feel pressured and like she’s hurting the relationships she cares most about, but please draw her close to You…the only relationship that matters in eternity.

though she feels alone Lord, please envelope her in Your all-encompassing and sustaining love and mercies that are new every morning and are not dependent on man or sister.

what if marriage isn’t about love…at least to the extent that some people believe. or, perhaps, maybe love isn’t as much about “love” as it is about loyalty.

here’s the  photopill that started this whole mindbender: facebook again. basically i can’t get on there without seeing pictures of more people that i know who are getting married. hey, i can’t really complain, gma is having to go to funerals rather than weddings. which would i prefer? well, neither really, but that wasn’t the question. and this isn’t really the issue, so back to the original photobomb…weddings. left, right, straight in front of me. horribly scary things weddings are, and yet, folks jumpin’ into them as if for a quick summertime afternoon dip!! 2 more couples just married in the past 2 months, and guess when/how i found out? ya, that’s right, on facebook, just tonight. thanks. if i didn’t have facebook i might die never knowing that this half of the world was married to this other half. sheesh. anyway, moving on, next step in the thought process.

i feel like these people are too young. maybe i’m forcing my feelings on others, but it’s what i’m going through. i just feel unprepared. and a lot of it seems unnecessary at the moment. i can’t fully explain it, which is why i am so grateful that God has us at the same general spot as far as that goes right now, but anyway. as for the couples that are also too young, i guess what it comes down to is — they want to marry each other. because they love each other. great. no really!! that’s FINE. totally cool with that. think couples should love each other before they get married. but that canNOT be ALL!! don’t you think? they are all up in a hurry because they love each other NOW and there are a lot of other attractive people out there, so better snatch up the “best” looking one right now while you can. make them vow, make them swear, make them promise on oath to love and serve and protect. as relient k once said: “she liked you wednesday but now it’s friday and she has to wash her hair.” and THIS is what the world is scared of. hence, the next step, from the mind of bd:

marriage MUST be about more than love for the sake of love. that’s just the problem, everyone loving more than one. here is what i see as the key, in the vows, the line: “forsaking all others” that’s it. that’s what it’s about peeps. loyalty. love + faithfulness = marriage (aka lifetime of joy in pleasing and serving and being with your better half)

i just don’t see it working out any other way. if you tell someone you love them. even “…more than i’ve loved anyone else before…” well, that don’t matter!! COURSE you love them more, they are paying attention to you RIGHT NOW!! that’s not straight up bs but it sure ain’t true poetry. more meaningful would be to say that you are attracted to them, and that when the time comes you are going to choose them over anyone else. wow. that sounds kinda like, “oh, well, duh, thanks i guess. how gracious of you to choose me.” but it’s not something to be sarcastic about. it’s an understood rule that is broken every day by millions of men and women alike. a vow to love, broken by unfaithfulness. not a halt in the love between couples but a spreading of precious love. love that should be reserved for only one.

it’s like when you go to ryan’s or some other buffet (i just wanted to spell buffet) and your mom tells you you “can only have ONE dessert” so you try to choose the VERY VERY VERY best one they have…is it the jello? is it the chocolate cheese cake? is it the lemon squares? is it the strawberry shortcake? is it the custard filled powdered donuts? and in the end you choose warm apple pie because it really honestly is your favorite. but, wait, what was that i saw? did you try to sneak a oatmeal raisin cookie in your hand? eating it on the way back to the table? and, i can’t believe this! a handful of candy stuffed in your pocket for later!! that is outrageous!! unacceptable!!  but then again, there are friday night “bowling nights” that are more about him getting knocked up then knocking down. and there are surely weekend shopping trips that are not paid for solely by her part-time job but by a different type of job. dark times. where has the love gone? well, it’s still plentiful, but it’s selfish, and it’s trivial, and fickle. love here and then love there. (hmm…that formatting must have glitched. oh wait. no it didn’t. i did that. on purpose.) it’s like the love boat set sail and never let down the anchor.

brings me to my knees in awe of our Savior’s love for unfaithful Israel and faithless Judah. and our Father’s love for His unfaithful Bride. i am to be following a God/man who so loves His Bride that He gave up His life for her. that He remains faithful and true, providing for her through His Holy Spirit, even when she gives herself to others. and here am i, trying to feebly love a godly woman who loves me so much. i am too weak. too weak to love her as she deserves. and she deserves that Christlike honoring when she is faithful to me and when she is not. i owe it to her to be faithful despite anyTHING and anyONE. insane. Lord? Lord? please, i need every bit of help. 2 Cor 12:9-10

all this said. and all i really intended to say was,

don’t snatch them up because they are starting to look away, snatch them up when you know they’ll never look away.

don’t marry to enforce faithfulness, reward faithfulness with marriage.

"angel pumping gas"

http://blip.fm/~ntqt2

I saw you standing there
The wind blowing your hair
It’s fate my life has brought me here to you

You walked over my way
I didn’t know what to say.
I think that I love you.
But maybe it’s just the fumes

Angel pumping gas
Why won’t this moment last?
It’s fate my life has brought me here today
Soon I’ll be on my way
though I’d really like to stay
But the road is out there calling me away.
But I really need you here with me today.

you asked what can I do
I say Unleaded Fuel
You open up my tank start the pump

Grab a wet squeedgie
and wipe my windshield clean.
When all the while my tank is filling up

Angel pumping gas
Why won’t this moment last?
It’s fate my life has brough me here today
Soon I’ll be on my way
though I’d really like to stay.
But the road is out there calling me away.
But I really need you here with me today.

You asked will that be credit or cash
But my chevron card was lost in the trash
You say that you will have to pay inside
as my heart broke in two I felt like I could die

as I turn the key her eyes contact with me
we share our precious moment in a glance
and as I drive away her memories here to stay
her deep blue eyes have left me in a trance

Angel pumping gas
Why won’t this moment last?
It’s fate my life has brought me here today
Soon I’ll be on my way
though I wish that I could stay
But the road is out there calling me away.

well maybe things are better off this way.

i just know it is–those stinking

like clammy pigs or rotten eggs

trees that dot our campus with white.

my stomach is turning:

lack of food love plans sleep drive time…

they are throwing a baseball,

i am to my next commitment.

is leisure such a sin a decrier of evil?

my next paper has barely emerged

and it’s due next week doomsday

but i’m not worried about words so

much more anxious about her and our worlds.

this is working in–what does that imply?

that i can finally allow my heart to move my legs

and hands and eyes as i fall from the small hill i’ve attained?

shouldn’t Christ be lifting me up? or did i do all this on my own?

no one righteous. nothing good.

and so i see where i’d be.

and it doesn’t scare me.

and that scares me.

and i think it’s the bradford pears.

they stink and cloud my mind.

letourneau is chillin on the steps.

what kind of character? what’s the good of intellect?

and i think i’m dying

a slow bradford pear-ed death.

please place them on my grave

and walk away holding your nose.

higher.

still higher.

infinitely higher.